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Friday, 10 July 2009

"there are two kinds of sufferers in this world: those who suffer from a lack of life and those who suffer an overabundance of life. i always found myself in the second category. when you come to think of it, almost all human behavior is not essentially different from animal behavior. the most advanced technologies and craftsmanship bring us at best, up to the super-chimpanzee level. naturally, the gap between, say, plato or nietzche and the average human is greater than the gap between that chimpanzee and the average human. the realm of the real spirit, the true artist, the saint, the philosopher, is rarely achieved. why so few? why is world history and evolution not stories of progress, but rather this endless and futile addition of zeros. no greater values have developed. hell, the greeks three thousand years ago were just as advanced as we are. so what are these barriers that keep people from reaching anywhere near their real potential? the answer to that can be found in another question and that's this: which is the most universal human characteristic? fear or laziness?" -- waking life, 2001.

Friday, 26 June 2009

go west young man

in my original statement of reasons, i declared to four army generals my intent to go to westpoint. i was clear: i wanted to lead the country's finest men into battle. "to lead." that was almost ten years ago and i think it's safe to say that i didn't really know what i meant back then because i think i would make a poor officer. today, jackie reprimanded me for being wishy-washy. i had my reasons for the way i had responded to a particular situation, but in the end she plainly said that i wouldn't be a "good leader" by being the way i am. i was stunned. almost immediately, i asked in my mind: what if i didn't want to be a good leader? or even be a leader? what is it about being leaders that everyone should aspire to be?

when this country was in its infant stages, men moved west when disputes arose. to go towards california was the "safety valve" of the country. in other words, the mentality was escapist. it's been awhile since i felt this way and earlier tonight, as i sat in my car, trying to hide a few tears, i wanted to do just that: quit. i wanted to quit everything -- friendships, relationships, ambitions -- because i'm just not capable of being everything to everyone. i set more fires with my tongue than i can put out using my hands, and it's demoralizing. i'm tired of failing. i'm also tired of using the tired excuse over and over.

i don't know if it's ironic or coincidental but i told pastor jae yesterday that my pessimism wants to find and admit that there is a bottom, so that my optimism can figure how to get out. at this point though, i don't care if i'm being a good leader, i just want to survive the rest of the week.

Monday, 22 June 2009

yosemite

ah, we envied them for their fresh legs.
we, in our atrophying bodies, sighed deep,
laborious sighs, scrambled and huffed
up the trail, up the mountain--
we sacrificed our day and bodies for this--
this hike and this park, a euphemism
for strenuous activity: yosemite.
but these fresh legs, the multitude of them,
mercilessly passed us, beat us to the top,
robbed us of our stature and seniority.
for we woke up in the early dark of morning,
feeling entitled to a sunrise glory,
only to be met by the youth of others,
and, more importantly, the twilight of our own--
we believed we were the main actors
in this universe but now no longer so.
sadly, we have been churned over
while wild beauty with its large, granite rocks
and stiff trees and vermouth rivers
and lungs full of fresh air keep onward.
eternity to them is but an incontrovertible
description, and we, in our own pursuits of grandeur,
still tirelessly ask--

6.22.09

Monday, 15 June 2009

it's always disorienting to walk out of a theater in the middle of the day.

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

all we have is now

today, i received my first job offer. i felt like it was official because it was sent through fedex. the gig is part-time and only temporary, but could possibly lead to something more substantial. i'm leaning towards taking it but i'm still going to wait a few days before deciding and signing the agreement. accepting is the first step to a radically different life; it's the real world now. moving out, job, a possible second job, uncertainty over the future, girlfriend -- it's all very exciting but somehow i get the feeling that when i leave home, things won't be so happy-go-lucky. i suppose it's all part of growing up. but i think the biggest issue for me, more than money, is time. i won't have much of it and that makes me sad. over the past ten years, i have prided myself in being available and flexible for my friends. i can't be that person anymore. why is world domination so tough? gah.

Tuesday, 02 June 2009

i remember once in kindergarten i wanted to go swimming instead of school. we had gotten a mini raft and i wanted to play with it. i felt bold. it was the greatest idea a five-year old can come up with. so i put my trunks on and proceeded to go outside. it didn't matter that it was cloudy because everyone knows mornings are gloomy but afternoons get hot in june. mom was on the phone when she saw me. she helped me tie my shorts together (i didn't learn how to tie laces until a year later) but stopped mid sentence, and asked me what i was doing. i told her that i wasn't going to school, that i hated it, and that i was going to spend the day in the pool. it was my first calvin & hobbes moment. she said she'd call her friend back and, clearly irritated, she made the motherly face that told me i was going to die in three seconds. i mumbled, said why a few times, went back upstairs, and changed.

i plan on moving out in september; the greatest idea a twenty-five year old who is still living with his parents can have. it would suck if my mom sent me back to my room to think about my decision. but, there is no denying it now: times are a changing.

Monday, 25 May 2009

without a doubt, the past six weeks have been a rollercoaster ride fit for a king: the start of a relationship, a capstone award, failing my comprehensive exam (determines if i get my degree), appealing/passing said exam, make or break exam presentation, almost missing my graduation, bbqs, celebrations, karoaking. my body is still physically recovering and yet, despite the fatigue, i can't be any more excited for what the future holds. i almost feel like i'm a hound waiting to be unleashed on the world; to claim it; seize it; make it mine. oh the possibility! but, if i don't get a job soon, i'm going on one more roadtrip: portland, vancouver, toronto, niagara falls, nyc, and dc. mm, nyc isn't that great. everyone and their moms want to live there. maybe i'll skip it this time. i hear north carolina has some killer sweet tea. and austin sounds like my kind of town....

Sunday, 10 May 2009

it ain't easy

it has been a rough weekend.

Friday, 08 May 2009

it is now time to jump out of this plane.

Saturday, 25 April 2009

just one more exam left. one, 6-day, 25-page, comprehensive due with a 15 minute presentation. oh my gaht!

then, it's time for some life, if you know what i mean.

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

singin' in the rain

when i first started at usc, life was intense. aside from the blood rush of academia to my head and the formidable thought of starting a career, i thought i had found the girl of my dreams. that first semester was a wild ride of teenage-like obsession mixed with young adult ambition. she had a boyfriend (of course), which complicated things, and after only a year of knowing her, we broke contact. it was definitely for the better and though it was tough moving on, by grace, i did.

funnily enough, in these last few months of my program, things have flipped. arguably my easiest semester, my classes have been more than manageable, and i'm not so apprehensive about the future. i paid 35k for an education that, among other things, taught me to chill out and have some faith. in fact, always being in a frenized mood isn't the best, and trying to make things out of nothing is just craziness. and, instead of chasing after a random girl i just met, someone i've known for awhile came crashing back into view after somewhat of a prolonged silence. i didn't think it would ever happen, especially me melting every time i get a chance to see her but hey, never say never. it's really by grace that things are turning out the way they are...

Sunday, 12 April 2009

it's such an unbelievably nice day out. of course i'm inside, drawing site plans and perspectives. senioritis, please don't get me. i'm almost there...three more weeks...please...