go west young man
in my original statement of reasons, i declared to four army generals my intent to go to westpoint. i was clear: i wanted to lead the country's finest men into battle. "to lead." that was almost ten years ago and i think it's safe to say that i didn't really know what i meant back then because i think i would make a poor officer. today, jackie reprimanded me for being wishy-washy. i had my reasons for the way i had responded to a particular situation, but in the end she plainly said that i wouldn't be a "good leader" by being the way i am. i was stunned. almost immediately, i asked in my mind: what if i didn't want to be a good leader? or even be a leader? what is it about being leaders that everyone should aspire to be?
when this country was in its infant stages, men moved west when disputes arose. to go towards california was the "safety valve" of the country. in other words, the mentality was escapist. it's been awhile since i felt this way and earlier tonight, as i sat in my car, trying to hide a few tears, i wanted to do just that: quit. i wanted to quit everything -- friendships, relationships, ambitions -- because i'm just not capable of being everything to everyone. i set more fires with my tongue than i can put out using my hands, and it's demoralizing. i'm tired of failing. i'm also tired of using the tired excuse over and over.
i don't know if it's ironic or coincidental but i told pastor jae yesterday that my pessimism wants to find and admit that there is a bottom, so that my optimism can figure how to get out. at this point though, i don't care if i'm being a good leader, i just want to survive the rest of the week.
Comments (3)
hello old stranger 8) I think more Glenns would make the world more interesting. you might not think so, but there are people out there who admire you.