gkam's Xanga

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 06:44:00 GMT

green plastic watering can

after two months, i'm back home. it's funny how we think we know how our lives will turn out when we really don't. right now i'm pretty tired and sickly, and though i'm usually tired, i'm not one to be sickly. the seasonal flu and food poisoning in a three-week span is either really bad luck, or a strong indication that my health is, well, bad. so, home. by the end of the month, i should be done with the restaurants, a two-ton load off my back, and while i'm glad to have some free time again, i can't help but feel like i didn't do a good enough job; feel like i failed. there seems to be a lot of failure going on in my life at the moment, but instead of crying about it, earlier today i watched conan o' brien's commencement speech to harvard's graduating class of 2000. i don't really know what prompted me to search for it on youtube but i did, and i was strangely encouraged. the feeling lasted for only a few seconds but it was enough to start my thaw-out. to put it minimally, the past seven weeks were rigid and gruesome. it wore me out. i don't know what the next seven weeks will hold but i know that for now, i just want to lick my wounds and recover.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 21:50:16 GMT

out of the overflow of my heart:

i can't remember if goose-chasing was in the fine print of my job description. there are a lot of wild goose hunts my boss unintentionally sends me on. it's hard to keep track of the many useless excel sheets i've created or white paper documents i've set up. this week, i forgot to pack clean white shirts from home so i've had to be resourceful with what i wear to work. currently, i'm wearing one of three, grey usc t-shirts under my blue and white, classic-fit dress shirt. i decided today will be different-yet-hip-color wednesday. even my socks are a jivin' blue-green. creativity is an opportunity, i guess. my everyday stress is nothing new; actually, it's getting pretty old. imagine a 100-lb monkey that rides your back everyday. it doesn't seem much at first, but after awhile, it feels like curious george had a few too many double-decked, choco-banana pizzas. all this to say that there are a lot of fragmented thoughts, which aren't related but in my human sense of efficiency, they are, and if a person were to pull a jenga block out in one section, everything else in my life will tremble. running away is appealing, of course, but it's the easy way out and they say the path to heaven is never the easy one. it is encouraging, though, when another human being, despite how they may feel, sees what you see. it's a grace that should be acknowledged and thanked for. it's all very tiresome to coax everything to quiet, to see the hope to keep going, and to remember that a life without love is meaningless. in the end though, i'm all for yes.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 07:23:53 GMT

it's been quite a month. my brother is now married; earl and mia are too. jonathan's wedding is coming up this weekend. just insane. at the moment, i smell like the restaurants, a bit of soy sauce and pizza grease, and i'm taking the time to unwind. i haven't done it in awhile so it feels foreign to me. before, i would come back from work, shower and go straight to bed, not allowing myself to mentally process anything that happened during the day. i'm making an exception tonight because my day job boss is feeling sick and told me to take the rest of the week off. i have decided to try and sleep in for a change. it will be fantastic if i can sleep more than seven hours. this whole two-job thing ain't easy business. i realized something the other day: women want men who can change the world -- but don't want them to actually do it. if they did, then the relationship would suffer. i used to think it was fear or laziness that distracted men from achievement but maybe it's also about making babies? is it a coincidence that i'll have gone to three weddings this month?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:33:00 GMT

for now, a moment of creative respite. the past three weeks, i have been in forward motion, leaving not just human dust and hairs behind but whole chunks of me are cracking and splitting off, leaving me to momentarily forget who i am and where i came from, why i am here, and what i am doing. work is slowly becoming an extension of my personality, a transmogrification. this work that i am currently involved with, the internship, and the more dulling flat-iron, the restaurant, or should i say, two restaurants--they are worlds apart in culture and resource but one in the same in regards to ownership. they are me and i in them. my mind has retrogressed, is still devolving into procedural frame-setting, the practice of protocols, strategies, and business plans, losing brilliance and thrill as if it were air and i had held my breath a month ago, which i had; a figurative joke of course, an exaggeration, a thing i am most apt at, nevertheless, i am tired and i have lost weight which the fat of luxury wouldn't have allowed if i had stayed obedient to it. for time equals luxury: the more and more i have less of it, the more precious it is.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 21:33:29 GMT

the people of paper

talking with a school friend, i observed that when we were younger, at least for myself, the life to be was going to be extremely difficult. the idea of a secondary education, a career, and so on, was an ulcer waiting to happen for a post-pubescent teenager. family though, and the friends around us, were easy. there was no indication that things would change. or so i thought.

now, at twenty-six, i find that this is not the case. relatively speaking, making a living isn't too hard to do; rather it's those people around us who change and make life interesting, drama-filled. when we're younger we don't pay attention to the quirks that people have, or know enough to discern how different personalities will play out in different ways. one often hears the cliche warning that going off to college or to some distant place will change you, most times for bad. i don't know if this is always the case though, as i'd like to think that these places and the new people they're with, really bring out certain colors of that individual. it's not uncommon to find out what shady deed your friend from high school did, or who your dorm mate screwed over. when these stories are made known, it's easy to shake your head in disgust and/or confusion, despite the fact that they, at some point, had identical life perspectives as you (which was why the friendship formed). people change and undoubtedly will disappoint.

so, it's easy to be "jaded" and think that everything is for naught. in fact, just go get your own and forget everyone else. but i think that's sad, pessimistic and even nihilistic (not to mention hedonistic). we can do better than this. yes, we are a frail people but if we want a change that's for the better, we have to first realize just how absurd we all are. otherwise, grace is just another name for a girl.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 18:02:37 GMT

the thin line between love and crazy

to tell you the truth, there is no such thing as a normal person. we’re all crazy somehow, just some more capable of it than others. minutes before taking our final test, i chatted with the girl next to me. she had a european accent so i asked where she was from and what brought her to the states. julia virden was german and when she told me why she moved, she had this euphoric look on her face. she looked up at the ceiling then slowly at me, a hint of giddy-ness and nostalgia in her eyes, and replied, "love." simple as that. several years back, while walking around nyc on vacation, she crossed paths with an american boy. with a gleam, she told me it was love at first sight. “it’s crazy, i know,” she kept repeating, still somewhat incredulous. she ended up extending her stay another week; they kept in touch, tried the long-distance thing, had many ups and downs, and finally made the jump to marriage.

it’s hard to say if given the same opportunity, i’d be crazy enough to change my whole life on one chance encounter with someone completely foreign. what i do know is that the get-up of a relationship is tough—but it should make you want to try. to be sure, "love" will make you not want to be yourself. it'll make you walk five hundred miles or learn french. it'll make you write “bad checks.” love screams YES! and you couldn't agree more. but will you do something about it? this is the dividing line that makes love stories, crazy. your intentions with anyone or anything could make the pope weep his eyes dry, but if you don’t do anything about them, what good is that? i can’t appreciate a girl who has a lot of interests yet doesn't have anything to show for it. a girl with a hundred different hobbies or things-she-wants-to-get-into tells me that she'll take up something but when it gets tough or perhaps boring, she'll drop it. for example, i know a lot of girls who want to be the next feist or priscilla ahn, but the moment a guitar needs to be re-strung, suddenly photography becomes a passion of theirs, their flickr site up and ready. there's nothing wrong with being curious and trying out new things–i'm like this myself and i encourage it–but to be able to struggle and work through something is what counts. i don’t know about you but i wouldn’t want to end up like the pile of rachael ray cook books she hasn’t gotten to yet or her half-made scarf still in its crochet.

julia was twenty-six at the time of our conversation, he was twenty-nine, and she claimed their relationship was never stronger. it took them seven long years to figure out if things could work, even with that first, miracle-sparking glance. stories like theirs exist but it’s only because they were crazy enough to keep trying. einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. i don’t know a single person who isn’t insane to a degree (if they weren’t, they’d be some sort of machine-man like the terminator, then we’d be in trouble), which in some weird way, gives me some hope about the possibility of more love stories that defy circumstance. i mean, c’mon, normal is just plain boring. why have an eight-pack of crayons when you can try for the one hundred twenty-one? maybe i’m just ambitious. or maybe it’s because i want passionate, make-you-sweat…bed-time storytelling. whatever the case is, in the end, i want to be able to say that i at least tried.

but then again, i could really be crazy.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 04:42:51 GMT

fell into the ocean

last week, i dreamt that i was surfing. the sky seemed to be setting and so the waters were becoming dark with streaks of burnt orange. i wonder why i'm doing this and who exactly the friend i'm here with is. i find myself bobbing up and down, trying to see what's out there. i don't know what it is but i don't like the way things look. then it happens: the waves start to become bigger and stronger. i'm barely keeping afloat, trying my best to ride them. i'm being thrashed left and right but instead of tumbling towards the shore, i seem to not be going anyhere, just more ocean. it's then that i see the first huge wave of at least twenty-five feet. it eats me alive. a few more, and finally the last one that's a few hundred feet high. i think to myself, "oh shiite." as the wave crests over, undercurrent pulling me in, me swallowing dream water and deafened by a rush of dream sounds--i wake up in sheer horror--my mind struggling to figure out if i'm really drowning--my mind wondering if this is a sign of things to come.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:09:31 GMT

birthday again

i'm twenty-six now. according to some, i don't really know what i want in life and thus, i will only bring trouble, probably confusion, and most likely heartache. twenty-five with all its ups and downs was a good year. twenty-eight and thirty seem like potentially good years too -- the ones in between not so much. twenty-six sounds like middle-child syndrome, like peter or jan brady or sophmore year in high school. it doesn't sound too glamorous. we'll see, i guess.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 15:11:08 GMT

katano katano

this past week, the heat kicked itself up a notch. i found myself lightly sweating in the air-conditioned rail car, dreaming as i had in past train commutes, the same dreams where i'm eating something only to catch myself biting into thin air, and always squinting as i step off onto the platform. i feel as if uganda came for a visit. the weather is bright and warm, but mercifully breezy. the sky is an electric blue filled with grazing clouds and if i didn't have to wake up each morning at six, i would take a siesta as soon as i got home. i suppose this is the draw to southern california: its easy going-ness.

i'm not so sure if i want this kind of lifestyle though, at least not now in my current life stage. rest is definitely needed but working thirty-nine hours a week has placed an urgency in me not to waste my days. there is so much to do and see and taste, yet why do we choose not to? strangely, maybe ironically or hypocritically, even with this pressing desire to experience life, vegging out wins the day. my behavior makes me wonder about faith. we have been given so much and despite our best intentions, we find ourselves not as active as we should be. or at least i do. our world is not just dying, it's being gunned down and machete-ed to pieces. why aren't we doing more? i know it will be grace that ushers me into heaven but not without a flood of tears -- not without realizing how much more i could have done but hadn't because i chose to spend my evenings looking at the same facebook albums. how starkly am i reminded that while all things are permissible, not all are beneficial.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 14:38:47 GMT

stuck

it's been a strange morning and for some reason, i feel compelled to write it down, knowing that at some point in my life, i'll re-read this entry and it'll make me chuckle. first, the red lights. i hit every red light to the freeway which is always frustrating for a commuter. not too big of a deal yet. freeway traffic was normal and i got to my parking structure without a hitch. trying to catch the bus to my work though, was difficult, and i ended up walking the nine or so blocks. i get to the elevator of my building with no one accompanying me, which i always enjoy especially as i needed to poop and i wanted to writhe in pain alone, without disturbance. i often wonder what i would do if i ever get stuck in an elevator. well today i got stuck. somewhere between the thirty-seven floors up, my little box called it quits and after a minute, i called in to security. it was a bit exciting as i told the not-so-attentive attendant that i was having trouble. she asked me what floor i was on. i told her i didn't know because i was in the express, which she should have known when i reported the elevator's number. so here i am, gassy beyond toleration, and as she rambles on about something, i start to move again. i yell out "thank you," because apparently these push-to-talk help boxes lose reception.

i get into another elevator but this time with our receptionist. i can't really find the adjective to describe her so i'll settle for self-absorbed idiot. after an awkward thirty-five seconds of silence (and yes, i did count the trip a number of times, averaging them out and arriving at thirty-five), i get to my cubicle and settle down. weird morning i repeat to myself. just then i hear a quaint, "hi." it's the girl whose cubicle i invaded. wonderful. i get up to introduce myself, start packing up and my boss comes out to help me find another space. the window office is nice, i guess, but my back is turned towards it and the automatic sensor shuts off the light every five minutes because it doesn't seem to get that i'm its new occupant. however, i am glad for the move; i'm farther away from my boss so she can't creep up behind me. and since i face the door, i no longer have to alt+tab with a judo chop quickness, which means i won't caught looking at my facebook every ten minutes.