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Friday, 11 December 2009

green plastic watering can

after two months, i'm back home. it's funny how we think we know how our lives will turn out when we really don't. right now i'm pretty tired and sickly, and though i'm usually tired, i'm not one to be sickly. the seasonal flu and food poisoning in a three-week span is either really bad luck, or a strong indication that my health is, well, bad. so, home. by the end of the month, i should be done with the restaurants, a two-ton load off my back, and while i'm glad to have some free time again, i can't help but feel like i didn't do a good enough job; feel like i failed. there seems to be a lot of failure going on in my life at the moment, but instead of crying about it, earlier today i watched conan o' brien's commencement speech to harvard's graduating class of 2000. i don't really know what prompted me to search for it on youtube but i did, and i was strangely encouraged. the feeling lasted for only a few seconds but it was enough to start my thaw-out. to put it minimally, the past seven weeks were rigid and gruesome. it wore me out. i don't know what the next seven weeks will hold but i know that for now, i just want to lick my wounds and recover.

Wednesday, 09 December 2009

out of the overflow of my heart:

i can't remember if goose-chasing was in the fine print of my job description. there are a lot of wild goose hunts my boss unintentionally sends me on. it's hard to keep track of the many useless excel sheets i've created or white paper documents i've set up. this week, i forgot to pack clean white shirts from home so i've had to be resourceful with what i wear to work. currently, i'm wearing one of three, grey usc t-shirts under my blue and white, classic-fit dress shirt. i decided today will be different-yet-hip-color wednesday. even my socks are a jivin' blue-green. creativity is an opportunity, i guess. my everyday stress is nothing new; actually, it's getting pretty old. imagine a 100-lb monkey that rides your back everyday. it doesn't seem much at first, but after awhile, it feels like curious george had a few too many double-decked, choco-banana pizzas. all this to say that there are a lot of fragmented thoughts, which aren't related but in my human sense of efficiency, they are, and if a person were to pull a jenga block out in one section, everything else in my life will tremble. running away is appealing, of course, but it's the easy way out and they say the path to heaven is never the easy one. it is encouraging, though, when another human being, despite how they may feel, sees what you see. it's a grace that should be acknowledged and thanked for. it's all very tiresome to coax everything to quiet, to see the hope to keep going, and to remember that a life without love is meaningless. in the end though, i'm all for yes.

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

it's been quite a month. my brother is now married; earl and mia are too. jonathan's wedding is coming up this weekend. just insane. at the moment, i smell like the restaurants, a bit of soy sauce and pizza grease, and i'm taking the time to unwind. i haven't done it in awhile so it feels foreign to me. before, i would come back from work, shower and go straight to bed, not allowing myself to mentally process anything that happened during the day. i'm making an exception tonight because my day job boss is feeling sick and told me to take the rest of the week off. i have decided to try and sleep in for a change. it will be fantastic if i can sleep more than seven hours. this whole two-job thing ain't easy business. i realized something the other day: women want men who can change the world -- but don't want them to actually do it. if they did, then the relationship would suffer. i used to think it was fear or laziness that distracted men from achievement but maybe it's also about making babies? is it a coincidence that i'll have gone to three weddings this month?

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

for now, a moment of creative respite. the past three weeks, i have been in forward motion, leaving not just human dust and hairs behind but whole chunks of me are cracking and splitting off, leaving me to momentarily forget who i am and where i came from, why i am here, and what i am doing. work is slowly becoming an extension of my personality, a transmogrification. this work that i am currently involved with, the internship, and the more dulling flat-iron, the restaurant, or should i say, two restaurants--they are worlds apart in culture and resource but one in the same in regards to ownership. they are me and i in them. my mind has retrogressed, is still devolving into procedural frame-setting, the practice of protocols, strategies, and business plans, losing brilliance and thrill as if it were air and i had held my breath a month ago, which i had; a figurative joke of course, an exaggeration, a thing i am most apt at, nevertheless, i am tired and i have lost weight which the fat of luxury wouldn't have allowed if i had stayed obedient to it. for time equals luxury: the more and more i have less of it, the more precious it is.

Monday, 12 October 2009

the people of paper

talking with a school friend, i observed that when we were younger, at least for myself, the life to be was going to be extremely difficult. the idea of a secondary education, a career, and so on, was an ulcer waiting to happen for a post-pubescent teenager. family though, and the friends around us, were easy. there was no indication that things would change. or so i thought.

now, at twenty-six, i find that this is not the case. relatively speaking, making a living isn't too hard to do; rather it's those people around us who change and make life interesting, drama-filled. when we're younger we don't pay attention to the quirks that people have, or know enough to discern how different personalities will play out in different ways. one often hears the cliche warning that going off to college or to some distant place will change you, most times for bad. i don't know if this is always the case though, as i'd like to think that these places and the new people they're with, really bring out certain colors of that individual. it's not uncommon to find out what shady deed your friend from high school did, or who your dorm mate screwed over. when these stories are made known, it's easy to shake your head in disgust and/or confusion, despite the fact that they, at some point, had identical life perspectives as you (which was why the friendship formed). people change and undoubtedly will disappoint.

so, it's easy to be "jaded" and think that everything is for naught. in fact, just go get your own and forget everyone else. but i think that's sad, pessimistic and even nihilistic (not to mention hedonistic). we can do better than this. yes, we are a frail people but if we want a change that's for the better, we have to first realize just how absurd we all are. otherwise, grace is just another name for a girl.